A Titanic Splash (Again) - Dave Barry Is Not Taking this Sitting Down!
(The movie opens with the Titanic II, getting ready to sail. As the ship's horn blasts a mighty departing toot, up runs spunky young Jack Dawson, played by Leonardo DiCaprio. There is seaweed on him.)
JACK: Whew! I just made it!
ROSE: Jack! I thought you had drown! To death!
JACK: No! Fortunately, the bitter North Atlantic cold was unable to penetrate my protective layer of hair gel! Who are you?
ROSE: I'm Rose! Remember? You gave your life for me in Titanic I.
JACK: But that Rose was played by Kate Winslet!
ROSE: She didn't want to be in another movie with you, because your cheekbones were much higher! So the part went to me, Demi Moore!
JACK: Whatever.
(The scene shifts to the ship's bridge.)
CAPTAIN: Ahoy First mate! Commence starboard computer animations! Full speed ahead!
FIRST MATE: Sir! We're getting reports of gigantic ice-bergs directly ahead! Should we go slow?
CAPTAIN: Don't be silly! What are the chances that we are going to hit another...
(There is a loud crunching sound. Big pieces of ice come through the window, along with several penguins.)
CAPTAIN: Dang!
FIRST MATE: Sir! The computerised sinking animation has commenced!
(The scene shifts to the Poop Deck, where the water is rising fast. Jack and Rose are helping women and children into a lifeboat, when an evil vallian appears with a gun.)
VILLIAN: Out of the way! I'm taking this lifeboat all for myself!
JACK: It's Kenneth Turan, film critic for the L.A Times!
TURAN: That's right, and I shall stop at nothing to get off this ship because the dialogue is terrible!
JACK: It's not!
TURAN: Is too!
(They commence fighting.)
THE LATE BURGESS MEREDITH: You can do it, Rock! Watch out for the jab!
JACK: Hey! You're in the wrong sequel!
MEREDITH: Sorry!
(This enables Turan, by cheating, to have an upperhand.)
TURAN: I have gained the upperhand! Whatever that expression means! And now, pretty boy, I'm going to... OHMIGOD! NOOO!
(Turan is torn into rasin-sized pieces by an irate horde of young female Leonardo DiCaprio fans.)
JACK: Whew! That was close! Uh-oh! The ships's almost done sinking!
ROSE: This is it! I hope I don't end up as an old bag in this movie!
(As the two lovers start to slip beneath the icy cold computerized waves, they embrace. There is a cracking sound.)
JACK: You broke my ribs!
ROSE: Sorry! I have tremendous upper-body strength since starring in G.I. Jane!
JACK: Don't worry as long as my cheekbones are O.K.
(The water slowly closes over them. In the distance, we hear two crew members on a lifeboat, looking for survivors.)
FIRST CREW MEMBER: What's that sound coming from over there?
SECOND CREW MEMBER: It sounds like... Oh my God! It's Celine Dion!
FIRST CREW MEMBER: Let's get out of here!
(THE END)
posted by Glenn @ 7:36 PM
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